


Lonely Blue

by precious_passenger (orphan_account)



Category: Glee
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-05-29
Updated: 2014-06-15
Packaged: 2018-01-27 02:21:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1711445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/precious_passenger
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The glee club makes an unexpected discovery about Kurt. Maybe he didn't know Kurt as well as he thought they did. Set in Season Two. Warning for depressing, suicidal thoughts.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

It had been Rachel's idea. When it came to Finn, Rachel's ideas always won over. The glee club needed to reunite after the last dating stunt between Finn, Santana and Rachel. Rachel still didn't know what happened between Finn and Santana last year and Finn liked to keep it that way. But, lately, Santana kept dropping obvious hints and it was making Rachel suspicious. So, the only rational option to break the tension was a friendly gathering and wait for the alcohol to work its magic.

There was one tiny problem though. Although the new house was bigger than the last one the Hudson-Hummel family lived in, it still had one other resident that wasn't in glee club. Well, he kinda was, but in the opposing team and they couldn't have the sleepover with him around, or that's what Rachel said when she reasoned with him. Their house was the only free one for the weekend, the parents were treating themselves to a late and slightly cheaper honeymoon. So, Kurt could just sit this one sleepover down and maybe join them another time.

_It didn't sound too bad, right?_

Surprisingly Kurt had easily agreed to spend the night at Dalton. Finn had refused to feel guilty about it, promising himself that he would somehow amend it to the boy later. Right now, he wanted the whole fiasco with Santana be resolved as soon as possible and get it over before Sectionals started and it cost them the third place…again.

The party started out fun, pouring drinks and gulping down the snacks and drinks Finn and Rachel gathered up. But, soon, after the second round of karaoke, it got boring.

They started moving toward Finn's house, getting ready for a video games marathon, when suddenly the absence of the boy they'd practically forced out of the house settled it. Kurt was a really private person. Maybe that's what gotten them curious and had them move towards the boy's room. The knowledge that Kurt wouldn't ever let them anywhere near his room and possessions was enticing them and their slightly drunk minds in strange ways, so silently they changed their way and opened the door to Kurt's room.

"Let's see if we can find his secret stash of lube," Santana said, digging inside Kurt's closet.

"Ooh, look at me. I'm a pretty unicorn," Brittany called out, wrapping some of Kurt's scarves around her head. The room erupted in laughter.

"Guys, what's this?" Sam picked up an old looking box, decorated with small rocks and painted with so much care. The box made its round to each of the glee clubbers hands, each one making a guess.

"I don't think it's a good idea to open it," Tina said with a frown. "We're invading his privacy."

"Come on, Tina. Have some courage. Or use the substitute liquid courage," Puck said, offering her his flask.

The group held their breath as Rachel, grabbing the box from Sam, who was going to put it back. Inside was several photos, a map and some candy wrappers. Beneath all there was a CD.

"Goodbye?" Rachel asked, reading off the label. She looked at the group questioningly but no one had any answers.

At that moment, the sound of doorbell ringing startled the group.

"Who could it be?" Finn wondered aloud. He hoped that it wasn't Burt or his mother. And looking at the state the room was in, he hoped it wouldn't be Kurt either.

He came back several minutes later with no one other than Blaine Anderson standing next to him.

"Spy!" Rachel screeched.

"I'm not here for spying. I came here for Kurt," Blaine explained calmly, even though he hadn't seen Rachel, he'd heard more than enough from the stories Kurt told him about McKinley.

"He told us he's going to stay at Dalton tonight," Mercedes told him and watched as the boy's eyebrows shoot up, getting lost in his thick mop of hair.

"Well, he told me that he had a sleepover with you guys. But, he didn't seem happy today. So, I decided to surprise him with a visit to cheer him up."

"Guys, you might wanna hear this," Artie wheeled in, interrupting their speech.

He'd put the CD in his laptop, which he always carried around with him no matter the occasion. The screen now showed a bunch of MP3 files. Each of the files were labeled with a name.

The first one was Mercedes.

"I have a bad feeling about this," Mike, who had been silent through this whole ordeal, decided to speak up.

But, it was too late now. They were beyond curious to find out what was in that CD as each of them found their names and some more listed. Santana leaned over in Artie's chair and pressed the play button.

_"Hello, this is Kurt Hummel. You're probably wondering why you're hearing this. Well, simply put, this is my last wish. I don't care what you do with this. You could either throw it away or treat it as a joke. But, I need to say it out loud. For once, at least. So these are my reasons why I wanted to die."_

Dead silence filled the room.

Artie had hit the pause and all the members and Blaine were looking dazedly at the screen.

_What the hell was that?_


	2. Chapter 2

"What the hell was that?" Finn was the first one to break the silence.

His step-brother, Kurt, was not suicidal. No way. But, what was that thing the tape said? They all stood shell shocked in the middle of the room, unable to think or feel anything. Maybe that's how Kurt felt?

"What should we do now, guys?" Rachel asked, her voice uncharacteristically small and quiet.

All the looks fell on Mercedes, who hadn't spoken a word ever since they found her name as the first track of CD.

"I-I don't k-know," she stuttered.

"You shouldn't have raided Kurt's personal belongings like that," Blaine scolded.

"It's too late now," Puck said with a shrug and the whole room cringed at the double meaning behind those words. What if they were too late?

"There must've been a reason why Hummel recorded these. We should hear them and see what's up with him and where all this killing himself bullshit came from," Santana snapped, but they could all sense the worry lacing her words.

They all nodded at Artie, who looked at every one of them, unwilling to bear the weight of pressing the button. In the end, he played the audio from the start.

"Hello, this is Kurt Hummel. You're probably wondering why you're hearing this. Well, simply put, this is my last wish. I don't care what you do with this. You could either throw it away or treat it as a joke. But, I need to say it out loud. For once, at least. So these are my reasons why I wanted to die."

One by one, they each settled down around the room. Blaine sat cross-legged across Artie, wanting to be as close as possible. Rachel and Finn opted sitting on Kurt's immaculate bed and Santana and Brittany joined them after a few beats, Santana hugging her friend, who had started silently sniffling, close to her chest, drawing soothing circles across Brittany's back.

Puck, Sam and Mike each chose a corner to sit together. Tina instead of taking her usual spot beside Mike put a hand on Mercedes' shoulder, leading her to sit with heron a chair,. The girl looked petrified and had not moved an inch.

"I thought long and hard about how I wanted to do this, how to leave my last note and say goodbye. So, that's how I'm going to do it. At first, I wanted to make one copy of all the files in this CD I've made and arrange for someone to send it to the first person on the list, that is you, Mercedes, and have the others mail or send it to the others accordingly. Then, I thought, why would someone even bother to fulfill my last wish? What if the first person just threw the CD away and all my files would be gone? It would be better that I did this one last thing on my own, like all the things I did before. Because who was going to help the little helpless suicidal me?" Kurt said with a bitter, self-loathing laugh.

"So, I made a copy for each of you and will have a mail service arrange to send it one month after I'm…gone. So you would know. Each one of you with their name here has somehow played a part in my d-death," they heard Kurt struggling to compose himself, "I don't blame you, not really. Because you see, you don't understand that every little action, every word you speak, could be starting to form a snowball, or at least push the already made one. The snowball kept tumbling down. Each gossip, each word that I know were said behind my back, was the one that made me one step closer to breaking," he said. They never heard Kurt speak with such open honesty. It was terrifying.

"I'm so sorry, Mercedes. For being the first on the list, but you were the first friend I really had so it had to be you. See, in middle school and even before that, I wasn't exactly Mr. Popularity. The students could always sense something was different in me, and we all know how that would turn out in the end, right Puckerman? Don't worry, you're going to have a MP3 file of your own. I will get to you later. Now, let's focus on my first friend, my confidante, Miss Mercedes Jones."

They all pretended not to notice the steady stream of tears rolling down Mercedes' cheeks.

"I wish you appreciated our friendship more. I mean, I know I'm not that significant, but really, it would've been nice to be included. I know you and the rest of the girls went out without me or threw some sleepovers or 'girls' night', as you put it, without me knowing. Oh, but I knew," they heard Kurt let out a humorless laugh and cringed at how empty it sounded.

"You see, Mercedes, the thing you might not know or chose to ignore was, I wasn't exactly the top choice for 'boys' night' either. So, most nights while you were off painting each others' nails or gossiping, the boys were going to play bowling or paintball or some stupid video game they conveniently 'forgot' to invite me. Do you know where I was? Sitting alone in my bed and talking to my imaginary friends. Well, the last part is not true. I'm not that pathetic. Well, I killed myself, so I guess I was kind of pathetic."

The weight of what Kurt said was not lost to them. Kurt had planned to die. He had been planning to die for a while now and maybe they would have woken up one day to find their friend…gone.

"We had some nice memories too, right? I hope you won't hate me too much to forget all the fun we had together. Just remember the first sleepover when we stayed up all night and gossiped about Rachel Berry. Sorry Rachel. Or measuring the boys by their hotness, giggling until the middle of the night. Those were good times. The only times I truly felt happy and normal. I just hope I was more to you than a guy with fabulous taste for clothes, because you were more than just another friend to talk to. You were so much more than that to me. You were my boo."

Kurt said the pet name affectionately and started sobbing. He kept gasping for air and failing to do that so the sobs grew more frantic. Finally the audio was cut off only to return after a few seconds. Kurt's voice was calmer, no doubt he'd taken a moment to calm himself down before starting to record again.

"Sorry about that. I guess it's not necessary to bring those memories and you've probably moved on. You all had. I bet you said a bunch of better memories that I don't even remember at the funeral. So, I'd better not waste my breath, right? Because they're on a countdown. Let's get back to the game. So this is how I'm going to do this whole killing myself thing. I'm going to wait until they tell me my father won't wake up from coma. Which, let's face it, is getting more likely to happen by each passing day. And right when they ask me to pull the plug, I'm going to stop breathing too. Because that's the only reason why I'm alive right now. Hearing those beeps and whooshes of air is the only thing that keeps me breathing."

A few moments of silence hung in the room and made them think that the audio had ended, but then Kurt's voice came back, sounding angry.

"This was supposed to be my week, you know, to say goodbye. I expected to have my last days spent peacefully. But then, you decided to take that away from me, didn't you? By having a whole week dedicated to religion and pushing me away and making me feel more alienated than I ever felt. So alone. It wasn't about which god I did or didn't believe in, it was about you giving me support in what could be the final moments of my dad's life and mine. I didn't need a distant support from an unknown force, I needed you, my friend, my first friend. The very first one I came out to. The very first one who made me feel visible and belong. And instead you were the first one to take it away from me. You invaded my sanctuary with flowers and songs about god. You took me to church to prove to me that praying would help. Well, guess what? It never did. If praying worked, my mom would be alive or I'd be magically straight. Or maybe I'd be six feet under already, since that's the only wish that's been on my mind for a while. So, don't you dare lecturing me on what I should or should not believe in. How could you do this to me Mercedes?"

They heard a click announcing the end of the audio file and at the same time, the door banging and Mercedes ran out of room, sobbing loudly.


	3. Chapter 3

Mercedes’ sobs could be heard echoing from the other room and the others stared unseeingly at some spot. The silence was deafening.

“S-Somebody,” Santana gasped, her voice breaking and she tried to clear her throat before speaking again, “somebody call Hummel, stat.” she regained her composure and started barking out orders.

“I’m on it,” Blaine said, fishing his phone from his pocket.

“No, not you. You call the rest of those Dalton losers to find out if Kurt’s back. You do it,” she gestured to Puck, who looked startled.

“I’ll go grab it from downs...” he began but Santana cut him off.

“Call him, now,” she threw her phone at Puck, who caught it effortlessly and started dialing the number.

“Berry, Evans, go calm Mercedes down,” she pointed at Rachel and Sam who both nodded and disappeared with no comments.

“Mike, get your woman under control,” Santana called out, her voice rising over Tina’s sobs. Mike put as much distance as possible between his girlfriend and the near hysterical girl. Santana looked like a ticking bomb. They all were.  

“Hudson, call Quinn,” she ordered.

“Why do we need Quinn?” Finn asked, puzzled.

“Because we need all the bitch power we have to handle this and besides,” Santana pointed to Artie’s laptop screen, “her name is on the list.”

At the mention of the CD they’d found, Finn stopped asking questioned and started to call Quinn.

“Now, we’re going to listen to the rest of the recordings and figure out what we should do about this,” Santana prompted, huddling the group closer to the laptop.

“It’s going to the voicemail,” Puck entered the room, telling helplessly.

“Shit!” Artie and Santana said together.

“Guys,” Artie called the remaining few to come near, “we all need to leave messages for Kurt. Voicemails, text messages, anything. This might be our last...”

“Don’t say it...don’t you dare say it,” Puck said threateningly, raising his fist.

“Quinn’s on her way,” Finn announced, joining the group.

“So, we’re going to split. Artie, take Mike and Berry to a corner and start messaging Kurt. Mike’s the fastest in texting and Berry can initiate chick moments like a pro. I don’t care if you grow vaginas over this. Be as sappy as you can, leave the most disgustingly sweet voicemails that you can. I don’t care. Just...just keep Kurt alive,” Santana said, her voice breaking.

“Just don’t go too overboard. You keep Berry in check, Artie. No ballads, okay?”

Artie saluted and together with Mike they went to brainstorm with Rachel in another room.

“Maybe it would be best if we skip over this one,” Finn suggested, his eyebrows knitting together and his hand hovering over the play button.

“Why?” Santana asked, growing frustrated.

“Because it says: Dad,” Sam said, reading over Finn’s shoulder.

“We’re listening to it. We gotta know what that idiot boy is thinking. Besides there might be hints at how he’s going to…”

A heavy silence fell in the room and surprisingly Brittany was the one breaking it by approaching the laptop and pressing play.

_“This one is for you, Dad.”_

Kurt began simply, not in the mood for any introductions anymore.

 _“Dad, I’m mad at you. It would’ve been so easy to end it all. You and me, together. But now, I have to look after you, watch you struggle over the smallest things. Every time you sleep I’m worried that you might not wake up. So, I’m doing the best I can to watch over you. Because that’s something that we’ve been doing for a long while. It’s our thing. I can’t help but think that right now, you’re the one taking care of me instead of the other way around. You’re keeping me alive,”_ he chuckled darkly and the whole roomed winced at how empty it sounded.

_“It doesn’t matter now. You’ll have Carole to look after you. Don’t be sad, Dad. You’ll have her and Finn. A real family, huh?”_

Santana couldn’t imagine how Mr. Hummel would feel if he ever heard this. Kurt was his life. How could he think that his father’s life would be better without him?

She vowed that she would find Kurt and knock some sense into the boy.

_“Daddy, I missed you so much. I’m so glad to see you alive and breathing, albeit a little weak. To have the opportunity to see you again before I make the choice to end it all is exactly what I needed. So, this is me saying goodbye, dad. Take care of yourself and just forget about me, okay?”_

His voice broke in the end and they could hear Kurt take a deep breath to silence the quiver in his voice.

_“But, there’s something that I had to get off my chest. We had this talk today, about boys and you said that I shouldn’t pressure Sam to be with me. That I have to wait for someone who is out to be with me. Well, I’m tired of waiting. But, then, you said something that hurt a lot. You said that I chase after people...you said that that thing with Finn was my fault and I was the one blowing it out of proportion.”_

Kurt said angrily, the hurt and frustration loud and clear.

_“Would you still say the same to me if I was a girl with a crush on a boy and I sang him a love song? I hope to the god I don’t believe in that the answer is yes, ‘cause Dad, I can’t take it if you believe that having a crush on a guy is wrong. That maybe you don’t have a problem with me being gay and you just don’t want me to act gay.”_

Finn open fell open in shock, exclaiming ‘dude’ and Sam, who’d entered a while ago with Mercedes right beside him looked down in defeat.

_“But, it’s over now. I’m over Finn, and Sam. I’m over everyone. Now that you’re getting better and you have Carole and Finn it’s all clear to me what I should do. But, I love you and want to stay with you, despite the fact that every day it’s a torture to wake up and get out of the bed. Despite everything there’s a part of me who wants to fight...for you. That’s why it’s so hard for me to let go.”_

He was talking calmly now, like he was already resigned and ready to die.

His voice could barely be heard over Tina and Santana’s frenzy attempts to dial Kurt’s number.

_“You can have a new family now, with me and Mom gone. Hopefully a better one,”_

Kurt said, swallowing thickly. The silence dragged on for about a minute and in the end, he softly said.

_“Goodbye, Dad.”_


	4. Chapter 4

While the other members of the New Directions, and the honorary, yet uninvited guest, Blaine, were busy listening to all the tapes, three other members were arguing over their own project.

“Rachel, you’re not going to sing ‘I Will Always Love You’,” Artie sighed, frustrated.

“But, it’s such a heartfelt song,” Rachel disagreed, snatching the phone and dialling the too familiar number.

“You’re just looking for an excuse to sing some sappy love song,” Artie grumbled under his breath, wheeling towards her to take the phone away. 

“Guys, guys, calm down,” Mike interrupted their soon-to-be fight. 

“Mike, please remind Rachel why are we doing this,” Artie said, barely resisting the urge to throttle the girl in front of him.

“We’re doing this for Kurt,” he said, beating Mike who’d opened his mouth to answer. “You know Kurt, right? The same Kurt whose s-suicide letters we may or may not have found. The same Kurt who is currently missing and we don’t have the slightest clue where he may be.”

“I know that,” Rachel told indignantly, huffing.

“Well, then huddle up and think of something useful. Something that doesn't suggest that we’ve found his tapes but still gives him some reassurance that we care.”

They all nodded and started working on the piece of paper where they planned their messages.

***

Meanwhile, in Kurt’s bedroom there was quite a scene. After the tearful confession from Kurt and his painful goodbye to his father there weren’t any dry eyes in the room. Some were trying to hide any traces of tears on their faces while most of them cried openly.

“How could he say that?” it was Tina who broke the silence in the room.

“How could he even think that?”

“Well, it’s not like there weren’t any signs,” Quinn mused. She was furious to find that she was excluded from their gathering, much like Kurt. She suspected it had something to do with that annoying dwarf, Berry. But, she stored it away for later. They had more pressing issues at hand.

“What signs? He was fine. He  is fine,” Puck exclaimed.

“Yeah, well. He has a funny way of showing it,” Santana interrupted.

“Well, we knew he was unhappy in McKinley, but when he transferred to Dalton, it got better, right?” Finn asked helplessly. He wanted to believe that his brother was fine and all these tapes were just a joke. He wasn’t really good with this whole talking stuff but he thought they were bros now, he and Kurt.

Nobody answered and the question left hanging. If it had gotten better Kurt would’ve gotten rid of the CD, right? 

“Whom is the next message for?” Santana asked, uncomfortable in the awkward silence.

“Mr. Shue,” Quinn read and seeing as no one was about to protest, clicked on the number three file on the list.

“Mr. Schuester, you’re such a hypocrite. Remember what you told us? That you listen to us? That the glee club was a place for the outcasts? So, what does that make me, an outcast among other outcasts?”  Kurt told bitterly. He sounded so angry and as a result his voice was high and screechy. He was panting like he couldn’t catch his breath. They heard him take a deep breath to collect himself.

“Remember the farewell ceremony when we gathered up and told you what glee club changed in us?”  he asked. The ones that were in the glee club at that time started remembering. They were each struck by the memories. 

“Do you remember what I said or do you only remember Finn’s father figure speech?”  he questioned, and Finn winced at the hurt in his half-brother’s voice.  That was a long time ago, how could he still be mad about that?

“Just to refresh your memory, I said that the glee club taught me how to be finally honest with myself. More honest than I’ve ever been. And yes, the glee club had been a huge part of that. Now I realize that there’s something else that you and the glee club made me discover about myself in these past months. I’ve always wanted to die, I’ve just ignored and pushed it away, making up excuses that it was the result of a bad day, but I can see that there’s no getting better. Not for me, at least,”  Kurt told with finality in his voice. 

“I can’t stress this enough, you’re generous in words but never actions.

You decided that we’d do a Rocky Horror Show in our style, glee style. But, then you asked me to be the transvestite character,”  he told in disgust. Finn stared confusedly at the screen. He couldn’t understand Kurt’s protest that day. Finn didn’t like to think that Mr. Schue was capable of making mistakes and ignored his students, but Rocky Horror had been a stupid idea. He cringed at the memory of wearing the shorts and parading in school. Maybe the same applied to Kurt, maybe he wasn’t comfortable with dressing like Frank-N-Furter either. But that wasn’t a really good reason that made Kurt want to die, right? He could’ve just said so.

“I couldn’t believe it. It was one thing that I knew that the role of Brad would go to Finn, no matter how much better I would have been at playing that part. But, this was a whole new level and it got me thinking that maybe you don’t care about me, or maybe you just don’t care to know me.”

Finn thought back to that day. Kurt had been a bit moodier than usual, barely touching his dinner. He would’ve offered his part as Brad if he knew that Kurt wanted it that much. He knew it would mean a lot to his brother to be given a part of a more masculine character in a play.

“But, just for the sake of my sanity, I want to say it, just once. I am gay, homosexual, that means I like boys, males. It does not mean that I secretly dress up as a girl or want to be one. I’m not a woman trapped inside a man’s body, no matter how girly all the school thinks I am.”

Finn glanced at Puck, who was shaking his head silently, like he didn’t believe he was hearing this. 

“Remember that week that you told us to find a song that best expressed how we felt? I chose ‘Pink Houses’. I can clearly remember what you said and what I told you in return. Bet you never thought there would be this side to me now, did you? A suicidal side. Well, now it’s too late to do anything about this little tidbit.”

Puck wasn’t good with all that feelings stuff. It was true that sometimes Mr. Schuester could be a little clueless, but this was a bit too much. Tina was sitting beside him, sniffling loudly, looking like she couldn’t bear to hear any more. It was making him uncomfortable. Puck felt like he ate a bunch of bad hamburgers and was about to throw up.

“And now you gave this stupid weekly assignment of dividing the glee club to boys and girls groups, while you knew how stupid it was for someone like me, who had more in common with girls to be grouped with a bunch of mindless guys.”    
Kurt told bluntly. Puck winced at the hurt and anger in Kurt’s voice. He knew he’d screwed up with pushing Kurt away and shooting down his ideas and sending him away. He’d been meaning to apologize but...it wasn’t exactly the top five things Puck liked to do. Apologizing was such a...chick flick moment.

I’m sorry, I’m so sorry Kurt. For not knowing what was going on with you.

“Now you might say, ‘here it, is Kurt Hummel is admitting he’s a girl’. But, no, I refuse to believe in this gender shit. If you are isolated by boys, you better stick with girls, at least they wouldn’t hurt you or you don’t have to think you had to defend yourself with your fists. Words are enough to drive the girls back.” 

Kurt said passionately, his voice quivering. Tina had no idea that Kurt felt this way and that was the reason that he hung out with them this much. Was it because he thought they couldn’t physically hurt him? Did that mean that he was afraid to open up because he feared for his safety? 

“But, I stayed silent. Guess I do that a lot now, don’t I? I don’t why I am silent anymore. Maybe it’s because I have way too many words to say.”

Tina could relate to that a bit. Sometimes when she heard Rachel go on and on about something and wouldn’t let her interject, she felt like ‘well, what’s the use? They’re not going to listen to me anyway.’ But, she knew that they were friends, each with their own little quirks and annoying habits. But, despite all that, they were friends. It was sad to think that Kurt didn’t seem to think so.

“So, I went to Dalton. After getting ejected oh-so-politely out of the boys’ group. I have to say, it was exactly what I imagined high school would be, minus the uniforms. Everyone was so polite and they didn’t even beat me up for spying, can you even imagine that?”

Blaine gaped.

“The first thing that I did when I came back home was checking out Dalton’s website to see if there were any options I could transfer right away. Maybe you think it’s pathetic and maybe it is. Now that I’m going over the list of things that made me want to die and ‘not going to the school that doesn’t ridicule me’ isn’t exactly the proudest of them. In fact it’s downright funny. I would’ve laughed if I could, but I can’t...I don’t find anything funny anymore,”  he said hopelessness dripping from his voice.

“Right now, there’s only one promise, this one small note in my pocket with the number of a boy that’s keeping me from swallowing all I could find in the medicine cabinet. I don’t know if I should be angry or happy about it.”

Blaine sat up straight, startled that Kurt mentioned his side of the story from their first encounter. He never knew that Kurt was seriously thinking of killing himself by then. He was suddenly immensely grateful that he thought about giving Kurt his number.

“What are you going to do now that I’m dead, Mr. Schuester? Are you going to dedicate a week to songs that I liked? That actually would make me happy, you know, to finally bring some good music. I want you to forbid Rachel to sing that week, no matter how much she insists. I will not let Rachel Berry steal my spotlight when I’m the dead one,”  he told, tears lacing his voice and Blaine was glad that Rachel wasn’t there to hear any of these. He felt bad even hearing Kurt’s voice calmly telling them his reasons to die. Even thinking of being the one who was responsible was making him sick.  How am I responsible, Kurt?

“Or would you just shake your head and add it up to yet another statistic? Because I’m not significant enough to be anything else.”

Blaine bit back the sob trying to escape, hugging his knees closer and trying to become as small as possible.

You’re wrong, Kurt. You’re the most significant, brilliant and brave person I’ve ever met.

“Mr. Schuester, William, you’re one of the reasons that made me want to die, and I doubt that you even care.”

Kurt told mockingly, then the recording fell silent, leaving everyone with more questions to ponder over than they did to begin with. 

* * *

“ And that’s another one of the many reasons we love you, Kurt, ”  Rachel told tearfully and before Artie could read his piece she added, “because I knew you, I have been changed for good,” and ended the message.

“Seriously, Berry? Wicked?” 

“Kurt is going to appreciate it.”

The sound of the phone ringing brought the three teenagers out of a yet another fight about to happen. They scrambled to see which phone it was, they’d gathered all the other members’ phones to send mass texts and voicemails from different numbers, hoping that might somehow increase the chance of Kurt deciding to see them.

The ringing belonged to Rachel’s phone, the volume increasing to a crescendo of ‘Don’t Rain on My Parade’ performed by the Diva herself.

Hands flew to grab the phone and press that green button. In the end Mike was the fastest and he put the phone on speaker but Rachel was the one speaking first.

“Kurt?” she asked tentatively, voice quivering.

The others held their breath, waiting for a sound, a voice, anything to show that Kurt was alive and well. 

“Hello?”

The voice they heard coming from the other side of the line wasn’t Kurt’s.

 


	5. Chapter 5

Mike, Rachel and Artie stood still, holding their breaths. The phone was clutched between Rachel and Mike's hands.

"Kurt?" Rachel asked unsurly, guessing it was a wrong number. She checked the caller ID to make sure.

"Lady," the same gruff voice answered and the three teenagers jumped in surprise, "I don't know who this Kurt is. I just found this phone on a bench in this park. The constant ringing and beeping is kinda annoying, you know? I just figured whoever you were, you wanted to say something important. I'm sorry, but no one except me is here."

Artie was the one who recovered first.

"Oh, okay. Thank you, sir," he said.

"Can you contact your friend and tell him that he's left his phone here?" the man asked.

"That's kinda what we've been doing, you know." Rachel told incredulously.

"What my friend is trying to say is… we appreciate your concern. If you give us the address to where you are now, we'll come and get the phone," Mike interrupted, silencing Rachel.

"We will?" Rachel mouthed.

The man gave them directions to a park not ten minutes away. He informed them that he'd leave the phone at the lost and found booth and then they hung up. The friends were left with a terrified look on their faces, wondering how to tell the news to the others.

The glee club of course wasn't pleased to find out that all their attempts to contact Kurt had been futile. They'd gone into various levels of panic and worry. Tina and Mercedes were crying again and Santana just stood in the center of the room, mouth hanging open.

"Okay, then. Let's go," Puck suddenly got up. Several eyes watched him moving. "Hudson, you with me, dude?"

"Where are we going?" Finn asked, looking puzzled.

"To get Hummel's phone from the guy at the park," he rolled his eyes at Finn's clueless expression.

"What?" Puck asked as several members shot him angry looks. "We can't just sit here and do nothing."

"I'll go with him," Quinn volunteered.

"Guys, there's one more message that's recorded on the same day," Artie told, clicking away on his laptop.

"Who is it for?" Finn asked, squirming in his seat.

"Puck," Artie informed.

All the looks fell on the boy, who refused to acknowledge them.

"We should get going," Puck insisted.

"Why are you so eager to leave, Noah?" Rachel asked curiously.

"Fine, do you want me to admit it?" Puck growled, "I don't want to hear what Kurt said about me, okay?"

"Well, too bad, Puckerman. I did. So you better man up and listen to what my boy is saying," Mercedes pointed a finger to the chair, silently ordering Puck to sit down.

"I could go with Finn," Quinn suggested but Rachel shook her head angrily, cutting her off.

"No, don't. Noah, sit down and listen to the CD and then you can go with Finn."

Puck complied reluctantly and Artie pressed play and Kurt's voice coming from the speakers stopped all the arguments.

"When someone says high school, some might picture the parties. Others might remember the exams, homeroom or the teachers. But, thanks to you the first thing that comes to my mind is the dumpster and seeing your face smirking at me before closing the lid."

Kurt let out a short bark of laughter.

"Hello, Puckerman. This one is for you."

Everyone could see that Puck sat up straighter in his chair.

"I know you're not into any of those touchy feely moments and I'm not planning to change any of that. So I'm just going to say what's on my mind. Thanks to you my freshman year and most of the sophomore year was an absolute hell. It got slightly better after you joined the glee club but then... Karofsky took the lead in bullying," Kurt spat.

"Do you know what kinds of excuses I used to tell my dad to cover up your bullying? I had to spend a weekend getting the smell of rotten eggs off my car because apparently I was too dumb and drove straight into a chicken coop. And I swear every time I start my baby it still smells like pee. And don't get me started on the roof," he told angrily.

"But you couldn't have let me have some peace in this miserable excuse of a school and joined glee. All I thought at that time was why would you do something like that? How could you take this from me."

Kurt told brokenly, as if remembering the exact moment.

"But then you turned to be kind of a cool guy, with choosing football over glee and after you took your first ever slushie. I started my junior year thinking that I was starting a new chapter of my life. That we have finally reached an understanding that we could be not friends, but not enemies either. Coexisting acquaintances, maybe? "

He told with a short, humorless laugh.

"I guess I deluded myself. I guess, it's something that I always do. I was having an already horrible day thanks to a genius who thought it would be a good idea to put some bugs in my locker. Later that day we had Mr. Schuester announcing the change in the groups' song selection choices. Then when you finally graced the room of the meeting that I'd assembled, you…" Kurt stopped, reigning in his anger by taking several deep breaths.

"You cast me out and told me I was bossing you around. Well, excuse me for telling you my opinions. Excuse me for thinking that you give a shit. I was already struggling and you knew how much I despised being in the same group as the other boys. But then, you all but threw me out of the group for being too... me and then I said to myself, 'he hasn't changed even one bit, not to me at least.'"

They'd brushed off the whole bullies turned into glee kids ordeal. The past was never really discussed and now it was coming, bubbling over like an angry fountain.

"Noah Puckerman, you're one of my reasons why I want to die. You pushed me down the staircase. Maybe you didn't think it hurt and maybe you didn't care, but you know that staircase you pushed me from was one of the many steps I slipped down that finally led me to my grave. Are you happy now, Puckerman?"

"Kurt," Puck gasped miserably. He started remembering all the times he'd spent with Kurt and tried to see it from his point of view. Something that he didn't usually do. He hated what his mind told him.

"You made me realize that no matter what I do, no matter how many good impressions I finally make with someone, they're still going to see me as a freak. So, thank you very much for that."

The voice was suddenly cut off and the laptop's lid was snapped shut.

"We're not listening to this track anymore. Puck is my bro and Kurt's hurting him," Sam said, bringing everyone out of their reveries.

"I can't take Kurt say any more hurtful words," Tina agreed.

"Well, no one forced you to listen," Quinn snapped.

"Excuse me, he kinda did force us. He was planning on sending this to all of us in the list so we'd listen to all this stupid whining..." Santana stood up, facing Quinn.

"He's being irrational," Mercedes told quietly but they heard her in the silence it fell on the room.

"Well, he's kind of entitled to, don't you think? You're not exactly the best example of rationality when you're suicidal," Quinn told her mockingly.

"He just needed to tell us..." Santana said in a resigned tone but Quinn didn't give in.

"And what? You'd help him? Just like you helped with my pregnancy," Quinn told sarcastically.

"We did help," Mercedes pointed out.

"Yeah, the only time this year someone mentions me doesn't fail to remind me how much fatter I was or ask what happened to the breast milk."

"Get your panties out of the twist, Fabray. It's just a joke," Santana said, rolling her eyes.

"Just because I don't say it, doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt."

"Well, that's your problem. That's Hummel's problem. You both expect us to be psychics. Well guess what, baby mama, we're not," Santana said, pointing a finger to Quinn's direction.

"If you enjoy being in pain, if you think that's the sign of strength well, that's not our fault."

"Of course it's not your fault for being shitty friends to him. You're just too busy with your lives to notice," she accused, frustrated.

"You don't get to do something so selfish and then blame it on the others. What he's doing is childish. He's trying to get attention, 'Oh everybody, come here come here... I have so much pain and you have none.' Well guess what, princess? Good for you."

"Kurt was right. You won't even care if he dies..." Quinn said and Santana lunged forward, shoving Quinn roughly.

"Santana, don't," Brittany called out and Santana's posture changed from the full on attack mode it was before.

"Don't you dare say that I don't care...I care so so much about him. He's my role model," Santana's voice was wavering by the end of her speech.

"Well, it doesn't seem so," Quinn snickered.

"He is," Santana insisted, "how would you know what he's going through?"

The others were silent, watching the argument like a tennis match.

"How would you?"the girl snapped back and Santana opened her mouth to answer but thinking better of it, she decided to end the argument instead.

"This was a mistake. Listening to this," Quinn said slowly, looking at the rest of the group.

"So we should've just let him slip away and eventually kill himself?" Rachel stood up, not wanting to stay silent.

"If that's what he wants, yes. It's her choice," Quinn all but screams the last part.

"Her?"

"Kurt is a unicorn," Brittany told unexpectedly.

Quinn stomped out of the room angrily.

"I'll go talk to her," Sam said, getting up.

"I'll do it," Santana sighs, pushing Sam out of the way and exiting the room.

"Let's get you out, okay man?" Sam said gently.

"No, I have to listen. I have to know what else I've done."

"But, I can't ignore that we had some good moments too. I mean, it wasn't all that bad."

Kurt hesitated, talking fondly. Puck smiled.

"Remember that time Finn forgot to tell you that he was at Rachel's and we played Mario Kart? You didn't expect me to win, twice. You told me that I cheated somehow."

"Dude's a pro," Puck told, laughing.

"Or that time I taught you to sew the tear on your pants because you were too embarrassed to walk in the school with your ass exposed?"

"Dude, what about that time I got you drunk on wine coolers to help you get over Anderson?" Puck asked expectantly. The whole room flinched and Blaine's eyes went wide.

"I'm sure there are some others I can't remember. I just wish there were more moments like those. I wish they were enough."

And with that the tape ended.


End file.
